(Gentle readers: Indulge me this one blog post where I share some personal thoughts and photos about hitting a landmark birthday. With gratitude to you all.)
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The leaves shower down, one at a time. They’ve been falling for a while now, even though it is mid-August and too early for Autumn.
Bits of me are falling as well, hitting ground as I age.
On August 18, I will have breathed on this planet for 75 years. And in that lifespan, I have been uprooted, replanted, blossomed and now, witness bits of me withering away.
The back and knees aching, the hair thinning, the eyes dimming. I knew the diminishment of youth was coming, so why is it such a surprise?
Perhaps, the child within still believes in magic — that I might not face the cruel reality of aging. Or, to paraphrase author William Saroyan, “Everybody has got to ‘age’, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case.”With 75 looming, the reality of mortality stings like alcohol on an open wound. The timeline is shortened.
As the years diminish, however, the questions grow, demanding answers. Have I lived my life well? Have I loved and served others? Have I done what I came here to do?
I don’t know. Those words have comforted me through the years, given me a strange freedom, that in truth, I don’t know the answers to most of life.
But whatever days or years the Divine has granted me, I want to make the best of them, rejoice in my hours like a sacred dance, embrace life in breathless wonder. But what do those fancy words mean?
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When I was in my 20s, I believed I could do anything. Write a best-selling novel. Travel the world. Find my soulmate and live happily ever after.
A few dreams materialized, but most of them did not and I’m not sure why. Was it personal choice, karma, the life of a wanderlust without roots?It doesn’t matter, because taking the “road less traveled” has made me who I am, warts and halos and all. I’ve made mistakes along the way, but I’ve learned from them. I’ve grown.
Growth. That’s always been a big thing for me – that my essence, my spirit, my heart is always evolving.
Along life’s road, I’ve had some amazing adventures: traveling to Mexico in a Toyota Celica along treacherous mountain roads with a couple I hardly knew; driving alone in my early 20s from Philadelphia to Georgia to serve the poor in the Deep South; moving to Albuquerque without knowing anyone there or having a job. My elder self gasps at the audacity as well as the stupidity of my youth.
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My journey has also seen death. I’ve lost too many tender souls I loved and if you live long enough, you will lose someone.
Your knees will buckle; your heart will shatter. Loss forces you to accept how very fragile and human we all are, how essential it is to cherish every moment.
But along life’s road, joys also have greeted me. Travels not only to Mexico, but to Ireland, Greece, Croatia and other parts of the world; winning some prestigious writing awards; cherished friendships — and a late love in life with Joe who died too soon.******
At 75, I have morphed from that shy young woman who believed things or others outside of herself could fulfill her to a steadfast, compassionate woman who knows she is enough. Yes, I stumble at times, but because I’ve seen “both sides now” as well as “fire and rain” — to quote two of my era’s favorite folk singers — my spirit is strong.
I now fully understand, as poet Mary Oliver wrote, that “everything dies at last and too soon” and so, I plan to make the most of my time here. In the Fall, I will pack my suitcase for a month-long cruise to Norway and I will continue to write words that spring from my heart in the hope they gift and grace. I will continue to cherish friendships old and new and rejoice in the present moment.
Most of all, I will find joy and faith in the Divine that my life – that all of ours, especially in our aging bones and bodies – has purpose and meaning.
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Outside, as the leaves continue to let go, I will surrender that young woman — supple and glowing and filled with dreams — and embrace the aging woman of wisdom who still has dreams, but no longer rushes or hurries to find them. She has learned to be rooted in stillness, to listen, to wait.Most of all, I pray that in my years to come, I love and love well.
And in the end, that’s all that truly matters.
Good morning, my Dearest Friend Marielena,
Happy 75th birthday to you🎉
I think that this is one of the best pieces that you have ever written. Not just because it resonates so specifically to me, but because your heart is jumping off the page with such sincerity and enthusiasm.
Looking forward to hearing about your upcoming adventure to Norway.
My love and prayer always,
Loretta
You are so kind to tell me this is one of the “best pieces I’ve ever written.” Thanks from the heart, my dearest friend. Among the many blessings of these 75 years is your friendship. I am forever grateful. Love and prayers.
Beautiful written as always sister. One of the many gifts God gave you and you use it very well!! Happy birthday Marielena!!😊
Thanks, my dear brother Lloyd. I am blessed in so many ways and I always pray that the gift God gave me of writing will somehow touch heart and give hope. Love you!
Elena, you have taken us deep into the recesses of your heart and expressed your feelings so eloquently that my soul was moved to tears. And your reflections culminated with LOVE, which I take with me as your gift. Thank you, sweet sister-in-law, for blessing us all with 75 years of your gifts. Love, Mary
Dear sweet Mary! Thanks from the heart for your kind words. I always pray that the gift of writing God has given me somehow touch, move, inspire others. I’m so blessed to be able to share with others in this way. Much love to you, Mary, for your support and prayers!